B-Day +47: The Blogging Failures of a New Father

For those of you familiar with the site FailBlog.org, I've seriously considered re-naming my blog "Blog Fail."

Yes, it's been 47 days since my last post. Clearly, I'm very good at blogging. I went and submitted 3-4 posts leading up to the birth, got some people interested/subscribed, and then.....flatlined.

If it's any consolation, at the end of each of the past 46 days, I've chastised myself for not writing a new entry. No, not in the literal sense (read: ritualistic whipping performed by monks). But my conscience has definitely been kicking my ass.

I should have seen this delay coming, and sort of knew it would happen. But I was in denial - albeit self-induced denial. As an expecting parent, you assume and...expect...that the first few months with a newborn will result in less sleep, fried emotions, etc. But what you don't expect is every family member, friend and co-worker who have children to call/email/text you with the same irritating message: "When the baby comes, good luck getting any sleep at all. Also, you'll never be able to do ANYTHING the same again. Dinner at a restaurant? Movie at a movie theater? Never again! IN YOUR FACE!"

Although the above quote is an exaggeration (sort of), the core tone of it seemed to be true. These parents seemed to take some sort of sick satisfaction knowing that JoAnna & I would soon be going through the same pain they did. So, naturally, I was defiant when a certain co-worker said "Ha, good luck keeping up with a blog when your kid arrives!" After I punched him in the face (in my mind), I told him (in reality) "You know what? You've just given me motivation to prove you wrong."

Of course, by that I meant the opposite. I was going to prove him right.

But to quote George Costanza - I'm back, baby!

It's only been about 7 weeks, but here are 10 things JoAnna and I have experienced/learned/realized thus far:

1. Timmy is beautiful. Don't worry, this will be the only mushy one.*








2. It is in fact possible to get used to not having a full 8 hours of sleep, straight through. You can still get 8 hours, but in 2-3 hour increments...with hour-long "breaks."








3. We often find ourselves just staring at him while he sleeps. Like, for 15 minutes at a time. If Timmy were at all conscious of this, he'd be creeped out and/or annoyed.








4. Many of you have probably heard of baby boys peeing everywhere when you change their diapers. But it turns out they can poop during this procedure as well. We learned this first-hand during our first-ever Timmy diaper change at home in his nursery. We handled it like pros.








5. One minute you think you've found the perfect new way to get Timmy to relax and go to sleep...only to find out the next minute that it no longer works, and you're back to the drawing board.







6. Mother-in-laws are awesome. Especially when they stay with you the first week back from the hospital and you:
   
   
   
   • are the most tired you've ever been in your entire life
   
   
   
   • have no idea what you're doing
   
   
   
   • feel like you could cry at any moment.







7. You can in fact take a newborn to a restaurant -- as long as it's an extremely loud restaurant. In other words, the Rainforest Cafe. Timmy slept through elephants trumpeting, lions roaring, and like...9 tropical storms. Amazing.







8. Sometimes meeting your future girlfriend doesn't go as planned. In Timmy's case, I'm assuming that he was intimidated by Greta Schuerman's beauty and cried out of fear. Or maybe he was just hungry.







9. Over time, you really do start to figure out what your baby's crying indicates. We've identified the following cry types so far:
   
   "I'm hungry, damn it!"
   
   "I'm tired, damn it!
   
   "I'm cold, damn it!"
   
   






10. There are times when Timmy cries that you'd think we were sticking a hot poker into his eyes. His face turns Satan-red, his body contorts as though he's possessed, and the volume level of his crying pierces your soul. It's amazing how he can look and sound so tortured, yet really only be hungry and wondering why there isn't a nipple in his face.

We obviously still have a lot to learn, but we're definitely feeling more comfortable and confident every day. Some days are amazing...and others fairly painful. But even the worst days are now made better by Timmy's latest specialty: smiling.

*I'm lied to you. I got mushy again at the end. I can't be trusted.